I am getting divorced today…

I am getting divorced today. Signing divorce papers on my 41st birthday is a lot. I knew this day would be emotional, but I did not expect the extreme sadness I feel. It is far more uncomfortable than I imagined. Waves of sadness, anger, anxiety, and grief roll through me like a storm—rising and falling in intensity. There are no highs of happiness here, only varying depths of sadness that keep returning.

What has changed is how I am relating to these emotions. I understand them better now, and I am no longer allowing them to derail me the way they once would have. It is okay to feel not okay. In the past, I would have tried to control or suppress this, but now I am allowing my body, mind, and heart to feel so that I can release and move through it.

I never wanted to get divorced, which may sound contradictory since I was the one who ultimately ended the marriage. I never imagined my life would look like this. I tried very hard to save my marriage—therapy, reading, communication, attempts to reconnect, trying to ignite something in someone else. I fought for my marriage for years, but I fought alone. Eventually, I could not do it anymore. I let go because my marriage was killing me.

I felt voiceless and without value, begging someone to love me in the way I needed to be loved. In many ways, my marriage made me feel unlovable. No matter what I did to be heard, to connect, or to find common ground, it never seemed to work. To this day, I struggle with the belief that I wasn’t enough—wasn’t worthy of someone fighting for me, showing up and saying, “I don’t want to lose you. Let’s do this together.” Those words never came. This belief shows up not only in relationships, but in many areas of my life. “I’m not good enough” has been a subliminal message playing on repeat in my mind for far too long.

I am learning, however, that the authority to judge whether I am “good enough” should not be placed in the hands of people who do not value me—or who may not even understand themselves. So many people are consumed by their own unresolved issues that they cannot see how their behavior impacts others. My worth is not to be determined by those who do not align with my values or uphold respect, empathy, and accountability. That judgment belongs in the hands of God, those I deeply respect, and myself.

I am learning to look inward. Am I proud of myself for surviving and growing through all I have endured? Yes. Do I need validation from people who do not share my morals? No. Am I strengthening my trust in God’s plan for my life? Yes. Am I showing up for my son and for those who love and trust me to be a positive presence in their lives? I am trying—and that matters.

I do get frustrated with how much time I spend in my head, ruminating on thoughts day after day. This became overwhelming over the summer, when anxious, negative, and depressive thought patterns took over my mind in a way that felt frightening and debilitating. I was scared of who I was becoming and of what my future might hold. I hated that experience. Even now, it lingers, and I live with a constant fear of returning to that place—of losing control again to thoughts that once ruled my daily life.

But there is another side to that story. Because I became so aware of my thoughts, I knew that state was not who I truly was or how I wanted to live. With the support of friends and family, and by seeking help for my anxiety, I took my life back one day at a time. In true Alana fashion, I fought hard, learned, grew, and found my way back to stability. I need to celebrate that. The lows are part of the journey, but how I move through them—how I show strength and resilience—is what makes me who I am.

I am angry that today has come, and still a bit shocked that it is finally here. It has taken two years to reach this point—to bring finality to the death of our marriage. Seventeen years after we met, it has come to an end.

This marks a new beginning for both of us—a chance to live the second half of our lives in a way that feels authentic and aligned. I want to look toward the future with a sense of possibility, growth, and fulfillment—not fulfillment dependent on another person, but fulfillment rooted in personal achievement and the way I choose to live my life. I am no longer searching for someone else to create happiness for me. I trust that I can create it myself, and that belief feels powerful and hopeful.

I know there will be moments when doubt returns and fear creeps in, and that is okay. Constant positivity is not realistic and can be a form of avoidance. Some days I will feel low. I will feel sad. I will miss companionship. I will miss being part of a family. Being a single parent is hard, exhausting, and emotional.

But there is more to this story.

I am free to be who I want to be. I am free to rise, to soar, to celebrate, to play my music as loud as I want, whenever I want. I am hopeful as I watch my energy ebb, flow, and evolve. I believe in myself. I believe happiness is in my future. I believe in God’s plan. And I believe in love.

Love for myself.
Love for life.
And love in whatever form it finds me in the future.