I’m learning to be alone

This is the first time in my entire life that I have lived alone, and it has been an ongoing emotional roller-coaster that I am learning to stick with, put my arms up, scream, and enjoy.

I am from a large family, being alone was never a skill I learned, or something that I sought out. I love being around people, laughing, talking, connecting, you name it. Social interactions are what power me and bring me joy, and being alone is incredibly uncomfortable to me. Everything that happens when I am alone scares me, it feels amplified, and I am learning to be my own source of strength and comfort in the moments when panic and fear sets in.

After Travis was killed, panic attacks became a frequent occurrence in my life. If you are a person who has experienced one, you know how out of control you feel in that moment, how fearful you are, potentially, of yourself. That’s what scares me in those moments when I don’t feel in control of my mind, and in turn my body, are what tricks will my mind play on me to do something irrational, something that will bring me harm. I don’t know what other people go through when panic sets in, but that is where I go, I’m afraid that one day I will just snap and do something that will put me passed the point of no return. And I panic. Will I be one of those people that is having a rough day and can’t bring themselves back to reality, causing self harm? Am I in control of my mind or will it force me to do something irrational that will be life altering? These thoughts play through my mind, sending me into a full blown panic, palms sweating, shaking, mind racing, hot flashes, the works. Previously, I would have my son’s father help me during those times, rub my back, talk me down, be there with me. But now, it is just me, and my trusty dog companion, as moments like this send me into a tailspin of fear of the POTENTIAL, not fear of that what is. And that is what I need to identify with, I am not afraid of what I am doing, I am afraid of something I could potentially do. My mind is protecting me, albeit in a very dramatic way, of showing thoughts that are not what I would accept as normal or desired and sending me into a fight or flight state, with an internal battle within my psyche.

My panic and mental unrest may start with the simple things; the bills, the responsibilities, the new normal. The fear of this divorce that I am going through, the fear of never finding love again, never having another child in my life to share my love with. Then it twists and turns from every day worries, to deep rooted fear of potentially loosing it all together. As intense as this all sounds, I am learning very much how to bring myself from back from moments like this, and they are few and far between. I am learning how to protect and take care of myself, being self reliant, and in each moment that I get through a situation that creates incredible discomfort, I feel stronger, prouder, more independent than before.

Everything about being alone is new to me, and every day I enjoy it more and more. I am in the thick of the vexation, and I am incredibly uncomfortable, however every day I figure out something new about myself. Proudly, I embrace the concept that we need to put ourselves in situations that DO challenge us, that DO make us feel strange and scared and uneasy, for if not, nothing would change or be achieved. I hate it and love it all wrapped into one. I love getting to know myself, every day I learn who I am, who I want to be, where I am going. I am able to take this time to just be. Be still, be quiet, be alone. I am embracing this time of solitude, cautiously, as I don’t want to fall into a rut of never leaving my home. This is something that I must be aware of as well, that without social interactions, my spirits do plummet to a place that does not feel desirable to me. I need to embrace the moments with others, but I get to choose how and when I want to do that. I get to choose who I want to interact with, how much they get to have of me, how much I want to have of them. When I need a friend, I call them. When I need to be alone, I get to have that too.

I can’t believe how fast five months of being in my new home has gone, how fast life is evolving and changing. I never imagined I would have gotten this far, mentally, and how much I am exploring my own strengths and growth points, how quickly everything is blending and spiraling into the newest, bravest version of me. I am finding my own POWER, and as I grow into that power, I hope to harness it to share with anyone who will listen. These moments of panic, of stress, of pain, are for me, but they are for you, too. For you to identify and connect with someone that may be going through something similar. To know you aren’t alone, to know that if I can do it, just a mom and a woman figuring herself out, you can too.

My journey is for me, for my sons, and for you, because this journey was given to me by God and Travis, and I am choosing to behold the opportunity bestowed through my son’s sacrifice, to share my pain, struggles, growth, and uprising to help you. I will not waste my divine chance, or what Travis gave to me.

So here is to the uncomfortable moments, the tears, the laughter, the anger, the growth, the pain, the confidence, the belief, the purpose, the love, and the future.

With Love,

Alana