Living for ME..
Written: May 2024
I love the way I am feeling about myself right now. I have made so many mistakes as of late, emotional outbursts, letting down friends, angry text messages and more. At first glance, so many negative behaviors, but when diving deeper the true meaning and message is there. I am finding my voice, and at 39 years old I am standing up for me. I am plowing through, very ungracefully I might add, those who don’t appreciate me, those who don’t serve me in the way I need them to; I am standing up for myself, once and for all.
I have always been an outspoken person, who yells, screams, and then apologizes. But I am now learning about me, is that yes I do all those things and they are not the way I would like to conduct myself or what I consider to be appropriate behavior, but it is due to a life of feeling unappreciated for who I am. I am now standing up to those people who don’t value me in the way I need them to, and embracing those who do appreciate me and for all that I give, and it couldn’t feel better. As I am learning this new voice I need to understand the best way to communicate. Years of feeling less than, not taken seriously, unsure of myself have left me on the defensive. Being a caged animal has left my communication skills at a novice level when it comes to disagreement or standing up for beliefs, I snap and lash out, scorching those around me. But those who I do this to, know this is “how I am” and the disservice I am giving to myself is the lack of being taken seriously when I behave, quite frankly, like a child. My message to me is clear, but it is delivered immaturely, immediately, and passionately, and often comes off as anger and overly direct. I have come to realize this about myself: I have deeper feelings that most, and because I do so, and take the time to feel them, revel, twist and turn, feeling discomfort, tears, anger, sadness, passion, and love, I come off as immature in my anger. But it is those around me, who are emotionally immature, that have caused this realization and metamorphosis of my thought process. Through them, I am transforming, ME.
The most recent self actualization occurrence that I have experienced happened with my mother. I was incredibly hurt by her action, and in turn, lashed out and hurt her. I do not feel that my words that I said to her were untrue, I genuinely believe them, but I know that they were not received and absorbed, which is partially from my delivery, and more so, from her thought process and self reflection. What shocks me the most is the inability for people to feel. To TRULY feel. To feel sick to your stomach when something is wrong, to be sad, to cry, to feel so much happiness that your heart could explode. I see over and over in my relationships, especially the ones I am beginning to distance myself from, how the lack of feeling doesn’t match up for my needs and expectations, to those around me. I felt the worst feelings in the world, and more recently had a conversation with a friend, and decided that if I could go back and change that day, for Travis to still be here on this earth, I wouldn’t. Because without that experience, without embracing all the hurt, pain, suffering and most importantly GROWTH, I wouldn’t be who I am today. And because of all that, because of Travis, he gave me…me. At thirty nine years old, I couldn’t love myself more, feel more confident, feel unstoppable, and feel truly PROUD of who I am. Travis’ death was me reborn, and I will continue to take that experience and learn from it, learn from my baby who never uttered a word, how to be the most impactful person I can be while on this earth. My baby has given me more than I can imagine, and if I couldn’t give him the chance at life, I am going to give him the chance to live through me, guiding me from Heaven, showing me the path to being my best self and helping everyone and anyone around me. Through him and my experience I am strong, and I am going to make the world a better place, one day, one minute, one interaction at a time.
I can’t expect perfection out of myself or of others around me, however I most certainly try. In many ways this is a blessing, but it is also impossible to achieve. I never really realized how much of a perfectionist I was until this past year. If I have one bad conversation with another person, I don’t ride my horse well, if someone thinks I am less that 100% the best person in the world, I am devastated. I don’t know why this developed, and this double edge sword is both my ally and my downfall, pushing me to do better, and crippling me to cover anxious and depressive behavior when I don’t succeed at perfection. I rip apart every inch of my body from time to time, other times I love it. I think I am an immature writer, yet here I am hoping this blog reaches masses to help as many as I can. I need to be the best version of myself at all times making sure I am supporting everyone around me, yet I don’t expect that out of everyone else. It is a hard way to live at times, the contentment never finds me, and I hate that. I wish I could be calmer, chiller, just be ok with what is, not what isn’t. Maybe one day balance will find me, but for right now, as I want to do what I believe God left me here to do, I will use that teeter totter of personal emotional abuse to my favor, I will channel it to continue to drive me. I will use the desire to be more than, to make an impact on this world, to be remembered, to good use until it no longer serves me in the way I need it to. I will embrace who I am, I won’t worry about who I am not, and I will continue to humbly learn along the way to be the best I can be, but to take the bumps in the road as learning lessons instead of punishing myself with lack of perfection.
With Love,
Alana